Suffering In Silence

 I am not the only one. There are many suffering in silence. There are many who have been suffering alone and quietly for year. It was one thing to get validation from Mayo of the diagnosis of Post COVID Syndrome, which has led to additional diagnosis of chronic fatigue syndrome, and fibromyalgia. That part that continues to bother me, is the lack of validation from those I worked along side. No validation from co-workers. Whether they have to be silent because of politics or not, I feel completely alone.

I have amazing warriors who are there for me. They have been there from step one. It's hurtful to feel like I attempted to be part of a group, but was never accepted. No administrator has reached out. No former direct colleagues have reached out. No questions of, is there anything you need? What can we help with?

It's frustrating to see colleagues come together to help someone in need. But what is it about me, that didn't qualify for that? What was it about me, that made it different when I was diagnosed with an illness that we know little about. There are no tests developed at this time to truly know the damage that COVID has done to my body. We know my nervous system was hit the hardest, as a result of my memory difficulty, brain fog, and exacerbated pain level. We know my immune system has taken a hit. There are no drugs or treatment plan for this at the moment. The best I can do, to keep a handle on my symptoms is to limit activity. Eat anti-inflammatory foods, drink 1/2 my body weight in water, and continue to take the prescription drugs prescribed for my doctor which helps lesson the symptoms.

When we hear of friends, family an colleagues get diagnosed with cancer, we run to their side and aid. The question is asked, what can we do to help? Let's start a fundraiser for cost of medical expenses. Cancer is scary, and I have lost loved ones to cancer. I am grateful for all of the research that has been done to make life livable even with a diagnosis of cancer. It is much less deadly than before. But why the difference in offering aid and help?

I'm definitely okay doing things on my own. I always have been and always will. I always seem to figure it out. However, I continue to battle this illness on my own. I don't need to be caudled, I don't need to be put on a pedestal. It seems as though my leave from my career has been looked down upon. Whereas, someone who leaves because of cancer, is a hero and  survivor, and I'm just lazy and can't do my job.

I am speaking for myself and my experience. Those living with chronic conditions do the best they can EVERY SINGLE DAY to do the best they can to push through the pain. I push through every day to get through the day to get my job done. Post COVID and the environment I was in, made it impossible. Not working is just not an option for me to be able to maintain my lifestyle and keeping my house. It would be nice to have some acknowledgement and help. It should be offered to all, and not just the ones you like better. I never once heard from my administrator, as I was beginning my leave. Not a single check in to see how I was doing. Am I the most important thing going on in the world? No. However, feeling like you matter, makes employees more likely to increase productivity, express higher job satisfaction, are less likely to have sick days, and are more involved in extra committees or assigned duties.

I feel like the kid that didn't get picked for the playground game in elementary school. And now I'm an adult, and not getting picked, still doesn't feel very good. I'm not asking for anything at this point. My point is about being aware of actions and how they make other people feel. I was told that I was part of a family.....but it didn't feel like that, and I have never understood why I felt so isolated.

I miss Mora. I miss my Mora family. I love my new job, and I am so thankful to have the flexibility to work from home in an environment that is best for my health. I didn't leave teaching because I didn't enjoy my job. I left because I wasn't able to be the best for my students and modifications didn't seem like it would be possible to implement. Maybe if what was insinuated when I was hired on was the actual truth, I would be living a different life. It's frustrating knowing that I was infected because of my job and the amount of students I would see. When I spent all that time and money going back to school to try and get my dream job, and then have a virus tear multiple body systems apart. Why my body? Well, I now know I don't have an immune system to fight off any germs which is why I was getting sick all the time. I would trade anyone to experience the fatigue and pain for one day, and see how well they can do it all....for months at a time. Not just now, but from last January to now. I'm hurt because I took a leap of faith and trusted in the words that were said to me. I just want some validation in my feelings and an apology. Life goes on, and soon it will be a blip of time in the grand scheme of my career and successfulness. 

Since COVID changed our world in 2020, things are different. Jobs are different, the way we meet with doctors is different. Teachers can teach in a different way if students need to be home. With all these changes, we can't forget about the humans. Humans still have feelings. Humans still want to feel connected. Humans want to belong. 

I can dwell and feel sorry for myself, but I choose to move on. The reason I write on this tonight, is to only bring awareness. Every person is living a busy life. Don't allow your life to become so busy that you forget about those who might need a check in, a funny meme sent to them, or just a "Hey, I was thinking of you."

This year, I have attempted to reach out to one person and send them a message once a week. Just to say hi, and one thing I admire about them. 

Continue to spread the love and kindness we all need these days. It's a different world. Now more than ever, we need one another to lift us up when we are down.